Wednesday, 27 September 2017

How to Change Your Spouse/Partner Without Ruining Your Relationship

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude" - Maya Angelou
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It is commonly said that change is a constant thing. Whether you know it or not, every living and non-living things will go to through a period of change. The clothes you wear will change color or reduce in size due to frequent washing or that you outgrow it.
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In relationship, one of the major cause of friction or issue is when a partner tries to change the other or make them conform to his or her belief and ideology about life miraculously. Ko le work! Change doesn't happen overnight, there’s a process and there's a price to pay for it.
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For instance, if a man marries a wife that cannot pray for thirty minutes or does not have appetite for spiritual things; complaining or nagging won't solve the problem, he must learn the process and how to effect change in her life. 
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If you're in a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, this article is NOT for you. Why do you need to change someone you do not have hundred percent assurance of becoming married to or someone who's causing you to violate God's ordinances? Don't deceive yourself, it won't work! This is purely for those who are engaged to be married or are presently in marriage and are having issues with mutual agreement. 
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Open your heart as the Lord speaks to you in this piece and through these processes. How do I change my partner? 
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1. Love them 
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Love is usually said to be in deed and in truth, it is not in word or tongue. If you want to effect change in anyone, you must first love them. Change cannot be effected if you hate a person or system.
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Love will soften your heart to see the positive side of them. If your heart is full of anger, hatred, bitterness or resentment towards them, you can never instill change in them.
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How do you think animals are domesticated? A dog will be hostile to you if you're mean to it. But when you express love to it in deed and in truth, it'll be kind and bond easily with you. 
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You can never see change in the life of your partner if you hate him or her. Love is not about saying "I love you" when you're happy with your spouse or when everything is fine in your relationship. True love is expressing unfeigned love in deed and in truth when they seem unlovable.
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2. Be patient with them 
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"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world" - Harriet Tubman
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Yorubas in their wit stated that it takes patience to cook a stone to be soft. Don't try it o, or else, you'll waste your gas, it is proverbial. 
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No change happens overnight. Change is not a miracle, it's a process. If you see change manifest in your life, know that you have done something to effect it or someone somewhere have labored for that change to manifest in you. 
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You need patience to make your partner be in agreement with you in the areas of your disagreement. Patience is a virtue. It is among the fruits of the spirit. God instill this virtue in you by bringing a difficult person into your life. You don't acquire patience in the college, it's a nature you must imbibe. 
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How patient you are with your spouse determines how quick the change will manifest in them.
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3. Remove the log in your eyes 
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"And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Luke 6:41, NAS).
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Don't you think most of us are quick to pick up faults in the life of our partner or others without removing the fault finding mechanism in our life?
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If you're complaining that your spouse is this or that, don't you have that tendencies hidden somewhere in the fabrics of your soul? Or why are you always seeing the negative? 
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It will be very difficult for you to change your partner if they are always at fault while you're always the saint. Look into your soul, there could be something in you that causes them to act the way they do. And if you don't remove yours, it'll be difficult for you to remove theirs.
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4. Pray for them
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"The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays" - Søren Kierkegaard
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Have you tried every means to effect change in the life of your spouse and it seems abortive? Try prayer! 
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Prayer has never been a failure, it's only men that fails to pray or prayed wrongly. If you're ever going to see change manifest in the life of your partner, you must pray for them. You don't pray for them to die o, but rather, pray that God will work upon their heart. 
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If all the aforementioned processes failed, I have always seen prayer to be the best approach. Do you know what prayer does?
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It changes you so that you can change them. If you're not lovable, you can't influence your spouse. Prayer gives you the capacity to love them. Instead of complaining 'upandan', pray for your spouse. What do you not like about them? Don't complain about it. Take it to God in prayers. Trust me, prayer changes everything! 
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I remember my immediate brother who lived with me. He's naturally inclined to making the living room untidy. I have complained; I told mom and scolded him severally but nothing worked out. But the day I began to pray for him, God changed my heart. I possess the capacity to adapt. He changed also. But when he visited his old habit, I'll keep the room tidy. 
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When pray for them, not complaining, no nagging; you'd see the change you desire in them.
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5. Be the change you desire
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Do you want to see your partner change overnight? Be the change! 
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"O God, let my spouse love me!"
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"I don't even understand if she still loves me".
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All of these can only be answered if you express genuine love to them. Change is easily seen in a person when you become an agent of change. Darkness cannot influence darkness. It takes light to influence darkness neither can two wrongs make a right.
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If there's ever anything in your partner that you don't like, that irritates or hurts you, see their positive side so that you can conveniently change them without destroying your relationship. 
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© Oluwamayowa Adeniyi

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