Wednesday, 11 October 2017

WHY YOU CAN'T ENJOY SEX (dealing with past sexual abuse....)

One in every five girls has been touched, tampered with, caressed, fondled, molested or raped before the age of 20. This makes marriage so complicated for many women as they find it difficult enjoying sex in marriage or joyfully release their bodies for sex to their husbands.
If your wife is having serious sexual issues: not showing interest in sex, becoming frigid, not reaching orgasm no matter how hard you try, gets angry or mad at you when you ask for sex, fights you during sex, experiences unnecessary pain during intercourse, cries herself to sleep after sex or give all manner of excuses from having sex, 7 days a week or 30 days a month and she is neither sick nor tired, it's time to sit your darling down and talk heart to heart with her. She's having serious issues with her sexuality. It's not about you really, it's about her and she needs help not abuse, not screaming, not yelling, not threatening to have an affair, none of those! She may have gone through the trauma of abuse, rape or molestation in her childhood.
Flash back of that horrible incident keep flashing through her mind each time you ask for sex. When she remembers, she gets terrified, afraid, angry, mad, and fights for survival, yes fighting you off to fight the pain. It's not about you, she doesn't hate you or rejecting you, it's about that past. You may say "why can't she forget it once and for all? It's not easy to get over a trauma, no matter how long it has happened, she needs help and she needs healing.
Ask your fiancee about her past even if she is a virgin to know how to help her heal in marriage incase she has gone through any trauma.
Millions of Nigerian women have gone through abuse. We just don't talk about it to avoid rejection, shame and condemnation! Many virgins likewise have been touched, fondled, semi penetrated, forcefully kissed and almost raped! The only proof of their virginity is their hymen which by God's mercies alone have not been torn! These set of women also need healing or may have serious sexual issues in marriage.
Healing will take God and will take time. Don't force your wife if she is so terrified of sex, you are compounding her problem with another rape! Instead, put your arms around her and comfort her. Let her know you understand her struggles, withhold sex till she's ready. She strongly need your support, understanding and unconditional love till she gets healed.
You can't starve your husband forever though. You need to get over the trauma. You must keep telling yourself it is in the past and the past is gone forever. Always picture the good qualities of your husband and tell yourself he's not like those men who molested you. 

Tell yourself you have a great, loving, tender, caring, husband. Thinking about his qualities will help you grow fond of him and desire to be physically intimate with him. Focus on his features that attracts you a lot, they will pull you to him. If some sex styles makes you remember the rape/molestation, like the missionary, you may try another style that put you in control and not reminds of the past molestation.
Go for counselling or therapy if the situation is getting out of hand and it's seriously affecting your marriage.
Pray to God daily, ask Him to heal you and He will. Do not judge, hate or condemn yourself. The rape is not your fault.
May the healing balm of Gilead heal you of every pain, shame and hurt in Jesus' name. I love you so very dearly. Take my sisterly hug... God bless you, cheers!

© Seun Oladele

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