Tuesday, 2 January 2018


Intimacy in marriage has little to do with sex, it has to do with opening your heart, mind and heart to your spouse. It is being completely naked in heart and mind to your darling wife or husband.
You don't stumble on intimacy in marriage. You start from friendship to courtship then to marriage. If you were never intimate in courtship, you can't be intimate in marriage. Courtship is so important. It is where you set the foundation for future together. If you get it wrong there, may the Lord have mercy on your marriage! "For if the foundation be destroyed..."
Real intimacy involves being yourself, sharing your mind, thought and heart without feeling judged, criticized, condemned or unaccepted. In a relationship where there is intimacy, you share your hopes, aspirations, doubts, fears, pain, mistakes, failures, successes, without feeling bad or inferior to your partner.
We all need someone to talk to! You need a man or woman who will accept you completely the way you are without making you feel like a fool, an idiot or inferior! You need some one who loves you completely and accepts you just the way you are thesame way you accept them. If you are not totally accepted, you won't be opened and honest with them and you won't build intimacy and if you are not intimate, your marriage won't work! Notice, I've not mentioned sex so far!
Sex does not lead to intimacy, intimacy leads to sex! Some singles think the best way to be intimate with their partners to join sexual organs, no! No matter how often you have sex, if you can't share your heart and mind with your spouse, you will eventually hate the sex! Because it is your body that is close, your mind is a million miles away from your spouse! It is sharing your heart with a person who understands you, loves you and accepts you completely that makes you want to have sex in the first place. That is why you are easily turned on by your online opposite sex friends because the chats are deep, intimate and you feel so loved and understood. That is why relationship experts advise not to have sex till you marry because sex in courtship destroys intimacy!
Intimacy is built on communication. The moment you start having sex, communication gradually scales down to zero while you keep having sex like crazy! By the time you get married, you will discover that you know next to nothing about each other. Your sex life eventually dies a painful death! Divorce is higher and more common among couples who have had pre-marital sex.
I'm very intimate with my spouse. Infact, I'm "dangerously" intimate. We are so close, so very close, we are almost always together. Hubby can't do without me, I can't do without him. We are each other's best friends. There is absolutely nothing we can't tell each other. I've never had any discussion with any mortal I can't tell him. It didn't just start in marriage. It started from courtship. I was myself, he was himself! I found it very easy yo tell him every damn thing about myself and he would look at me as if he was in seeing an angel. I told him the good, the bad and the ugly. Infact, I started my relationship with him on my worst foot! I threw my weaknesses in his face and let him know I don't take shit from guys, he would just sit like Jesus, smile sweetly like angel Gabriel and laugh at all my boasts and rants!
He would tell me the positive things about myself and tell me I'm the best lady he has ever met. He said my honesty always waoh him and he would just look at me mesmerized! I had always adore him, I like that perfect gentle man. His weaknesses attracts my compassion and I always love to help him become better. When he walks I tell him "Honey, you are a king. Your carriage is so regal. You walk like the wealthiest man alive." He would say, "really?" and flashed that smile that has always warmed my heart...it's been 11 years I know him and we are deeper in love. We still share our joy, sorrow, pain, failure, success, weaknesses and strengths with each other. Whenever I disobey him, I would confess my sins before he finds out himself and from the depth of his heart forgives me. Same with him. He would say "Seun, I've offended you...".I would say "come on, talk to me." and no matter how hurt I am we would make up and life continues.
The bottom line is this: do not marry anybody who does not accept you completely, it is not God's will. I tell about 90% of my counsellees to end their relationships because what most them of them call love is disaster in the making. A man abuses, insults, beats, rapes you and flies into rage and unforgiveness when you are courting and you say he loves you! Your fiancee tells lies, sleeps around and she does not value you as a human being and you think she will change after wedding? May the Lord open your eyes before it is too late. Build your courtship on intimacy, not sex. God bless you!

© Seun Oladele, 2017.

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